so yeah. took lots of pictures and in general had a lovely time.
then came home to see aallllllllll my pics.
and my camera formatted my memory card.
pissed!
(will write more about said beach trip when I don’t want to throw my camera through a window.)
The girls and I are going to the beach today.
Gonna take lots of pictures.
I love Florida.
That is all.
So.
I’m in my post Johnnyvisit funk again. This one’s different though. Heh. I have a sense of purpose about me… life changes that need to be made, to make me better, more independent. Why is it that I’m 34 and am just now getting the feeling that it’s grown-up time? Oh well, I guess I’m glad it’s arriving. The New and Improved Bethy? Maybe. I think I’m afraid of becoming the New and Usedtobemorefun Bethy.
Reading a new book… Stumbling on Happiness….It’s not a self help book, or a guide to becoming happier… More like a tutorial on how the brain works, how and why we seem to really suck at predicting our future happiness. So far I’m intrigued. I have a feeling I’ll be commenting more on it as I get further in.
And I think I’m quitting Disney soon.
“With former Daschle staffers like [early-state adviser Steve] Hildebrand and a reform-minded message guru like [media consultant David] Axelrod, Obama’s got the team in place he needs to appeal to everyone from the netroots to the AARP set,” said Carney, whose impromptu analysis reminded you that you still haven’t gotten around to reading the Obama cover story in that issue of Time magazine you purchased five months ago. “But even if the youth demo[graphic] increases its already improved turnout from ‘04 and ‘06, Obama’s still going to need to win over a significant number of rank-and-filers who support [Sen.] Hillary [Clinton] in order to gain a competitive number of convention delegates. Especially considering all the proposed changes to the primary calendar next year.”
After listening to more than 20 minutes of his well-reasoned extrapolation, you were too bewildered and disoriented to ask him what’s up with McCain.
you do all the sides first? Where you know the boundaries of the puzzle, but the inside is just a scattered mess? And you know what it’s going to look like when it’s done, and you know the hard part’s over, but there’s still work to do to get it just right? But you have faith that at this point, you’re definitely going to finish it, and you’re not going to give up til you’re done?
That’s sort of where I’m at right now.
Except it’s not a puzzle, really.
It’s the BethyLife.
Oooh. Love me some Prince. Was wasting time online (me? what? no!) and found this fabulous vintage Prince from 1985. My favorite song in the whole wide world….well one of them. Thanks kelly for digging it up!!
Home from work today… watching wedding disasters on Lifetime, seriously craving some ahi tuna, and reading Sara Teasdale. Ahh… just what I needed. I came across a few poems that really hit home to me, and especially relate to my life these past few years. (Yet another blog that will have no significance to anyone but me…. but so be it.) Thought I’d share.
“Leaves” represents so much to me. Many years of trying to be someone that I am not… the leaves to me represent friendships that I absolutely had to release in order to live life the way it should be led. Sometimes those relationships keep us from seeing all that life has to offer, and once we release the fear of losing those ties, we’re able to trust ourselves and our consciences. So much of this poem relates to my c of c experiences.
One by one, like leaves from a tree,
All my faiths have forsaken me;
But the stars above my head
Burn in white and delicate red,
And beneath my feet the earth
Brings the sturdy grass to birth.
I who was content to be
But a silken-singing tree,
But a rustle of delight
In the wistful heart of night–
I have lost the leaves that knew
Touch of rain and weight of dew.
Blinded by a leafy crown
I looked neither up nor down–
But the little leaves that die
Have left me room to see the sky;
Now for the first time I know
Stars above and earth below.
And the flip side of the coin. Some relationships, incredibly, refuse to fade with time… the ones that don’t simply allow us to be who we are, they revel and encourage us to discover more of ourselves, and make us better. I am incredibly grateful that I have seen both sides of this coin, so that I can appreciate it all the more. I wouldn’t trade the loneliness; without it I wouldn’t have recognized true love. If one day it’s gone, at least I’ll have known that it exists.
There never was a mood of mine,
Gay or heart-broken, luminous or dull,
But you could ease me of its fever
And give it back to me more beautiful.
In many another soul I broke the bread,
And drank the wine and played the happy guest,
But I was lonely, I remembered you;
The heart belongs to him who knew it best.
xoxoxo
Said, Sofiya, Kate, Abby, Nagila, and Israfel
What a motley crew…
We went to Kate’s soccer game tonight (go blue sharks!)… and had a few friends join us. What a fabulous time we had… Eliza and Bethany from work came, and Eliza brought the Russian children that she tutors during the week. I ADORE spending time with these children; I love the fact that the girls get exposure to a culture so different from their own, and the way that it helps them to be creative in their communication skills. I’m so proud of their ability to interact and play with them, even though verbally it’s tough to get their point across sometimes.
Awesome tonight listening to Said talk to his brother on the phone and say “hi! what’s up!” in an American accent. They all played together and drew pictures together, and spelled words… it’s amazing how interested the Russian boys and girls are in spelling… they’re constantly asking “Miss Elizabeth” to give them words to spell, etc. We spent a lot of time at dinner showing off what crazy faces we can make, and what kind of odd contortions we can create with our hands… Israfel was especially adept at that one. I think he’s double jointed or something. It makes me smile to think about it. Nagila’s laugh is the most infectious thing ever, and she has a fabulous sense of humor. Eliza must be so proud… the Orlando Sentinel did a story on her with the kids… you can read it here.
One last thing… when we were about to leave, all the Russian kids ( I hate calling them that but I don’t want to have to list them all individually…) were loaded in Eliza’s car… she turned up the music and they all started rocking out to Justin Timberlake and “Sexyback”… they ALL were singing and dancing, the whole car was shaking. It was awesome. Said was hanging out of the window with a popcorn bucket on his head, saying, “I am the hat in the cat! I am the hat in the cat!”
I love these kids.
Kate said more than once that it was the best night she’d had in a really long time. I totally know how she feels. I hope we do it again next week.
Happy Happy.
Here’s how I described it to the folks at the support board.
I’ve been out a year now… I posted here all in a tizzy, because I had left my husband, a staunch ‘anti’ and, in the process, of course, left The Church. Yes I capitalize that in a sarcasm-filled way.
Color me bitter.
Quick rundown of the past, oh, 18 years…
1) raised Catholic
2) classic ‘good girl’.. no drinky, no sexy, conscience clear as a bell
3) met the ex, started going to church with him, got the whole spiel about how horrid Catholicism is
4) eventually believed it
5) converted, and then a year later, married him.
I would imagine that this is a story that has been repeated quite often…
After I started going to the c of c, something happened, emotionally, mentally, not sure, but I stopped trusting my own conscience, after having been quoted Proverbs 14:12 enough times, I decided that I actually had no internal measure of rightness or wrongness.
Which of course meant that the C of C would have to be that measure.
Having a very women’s libby mother, I must say that it was a bit of a culture shock to understand the c of c’s views on The Woman’s Role in the Church. I can’t tell you how many times I read books like, She Hath Done What She Could, and To Love, Honor, and Vacuum…. I so desperately wanted to be this picture perfect wife, with the spotless home and perpetual smile, even while being compared over and over to others who did it so much better.
Having to constantly present that face to others eventually threw me into a depression, which, of course, being untrue to yourself tends to do.
When I turned 30, something inside of me changed. I was so angry about how my life had seemed to turn out, how out of control my picture perfect life was. I absolutely couldn’t imagine playing this role for another 30 years. Basically everything in my life was done for the sole purpose of ’showing’ others, mainly people in the church. Appearances are the c of c’s idol. I realized that, and once again thought that if those people knew my true self, the one who laughed at dirty jokes and left dirty dishes in the sink, they would be disgusted by me. I got pretty pissy about that.
So, since I seem to be writing a novel here, I’ll shorten things a little.
I tried to do the counseling thing with the husband, bought books by Gary Smalley and lovely how-to-have-a-good-marriage books from Florida College. All of my concerns were poo-poo’d and at some point, I just flat out stopped caring.
You know those stories about trapped animals gnawing off limbs in order to free themselves? Well, looking back on my life now, I see that I basically did the same. I knew the only way that a divorce would be granted, and I took that road. Hard to regret now, because it’s what got me out of the marriage and the church, but I do wish now that I had just had the strength to leave on my own volition. Things happen for a reason.
So now, here I am, now single mom of two girls, sharing custody with a man who is now even more entrenched in the c of c than before. I’m having soo many issues now with what church to introduce the girls to, and how to deal with the way I know his church members are demonizing me around them.
I’m going to be bugging you guys quite a bit, I imagine. Are you ready?
Thank you C. and K. and L. and all the letters in between, for putting us exactly where we’re supposed to be, right this minute. Without you, we wouldn’t be possible.
“And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that this is not just “Something That Happened.” This cannot be “One of those things…” This, please, cannot be that. And for what I would like to say, I can’t. This Was Not Just A Matter Of Chance. Ohhhh. These strange things happen all the time. “
*edit* In answer to Danny’s question, this is the intro to the movie Magnolia. If you haven’t seen it yet, go do that. It’s a life-changer. Promise.
